32. The Battle of Crockham Hill

It is July 2014 and O&L CC Mighty Fifths are struggling at the foot of their Division after poor start to the season.

Team Spirit is good under new Captain Dom Damesick and the nearby Royal Oak is enjoying the team's custom, but 3 draws and four heavy defeats don't lie and everyone is anxious to put in a winning performance.

Just the previous week, only heavy rain and Niall Robert's Car Roof coming up slowly as he was called into bat had saved us from another thumping during a timed match that had to be abandoned as the heavens opened.

For the home match against Epsom availability is not good and Captain Dom has enrolled a friend to play his first match for OLCC who seems competent enough - until he bowls precisely one over for a lot of runs.

Epsom win the toss and choose to bat on a Sunny day and a fair wicket. They post a modest 135 before getting all out (thanks largely to a fine performance with the ball from the wonderful player, Selva Gapnathy.

When OLCC bat, Epsom's competitive nature comes out as consistent and unusually unpleasant sledging - rarely seen in Surrey Division 4 Eastern. OLCC are making hard work as it is of making up the Epsom total with wickets falling steadily, but the chuntering and overly optimistic (being polite here) appealing from Epsom continues. Umpies are accused of cheating leading to Mark Lidiard walking from his post at the Bowler's end to challenge some of the sledging.

The Epsom Captain, trying to calm matters, calls Captain Dom onto the field of play to ask him to speak to the OLCC team with a view to defusing the situation. He clearly does not anticipate that Dom will then redouble his efforts to wind up all the incoming batsmen.

Matters reach a head when our debutant reaches the crease and is no better with bat than he was with ball. Every swing and miss is commented on in increasingly sarcastic terms by one fielder in particular that become actual threats - until our man leaves his Crease and approaches said fielder with the words "remember mate... only one of us is currently holding a f****** bat", thereby bringing an end to the war of words.